Note: This story is not about: the “Leveson Inquiry”, “Cameron Halts Talks”, “Cross Party Response” to Leveson”, Clegg Miliband or Leveson or “Press Regulation” or anything.
Lucifer Cameron-Satan from Oxfordshire, today dramatically pulled out of talks with Pope Mario “Frank” Googlio of Rome designed to bring life’s perpetual battles between good and evil to an end.
Here in an exclusive interview down the pub with the lads from #pubqt, Satan reveals his rationale:
“I had a pram, I had some toys and, well, the rest is history”.
“I acknowledge that evil acts, in general terms, have been utterly despicable and outrageous and had wreaked havoc with the lives of innocent people”.
“We, Il Papa and me, want to build a new system to prevent these appalling acts happening again and to maintain a free and independent universe”.
“But I believe there are real dangers in making any sort of commitment to eradicating evil, and so I’m going to dress up as a walnut and flutter out of the negotiating room in my tutu to milk up some limp and lame Royal Charter with as many teeth as a snail. A very old snail. With no teeth.”
“My Royal Charter would ensure independent self-regulation by all evil-doers. They will dramatically become nice people and do nice things and forego doing nasty things. Magically. By magic.”
“It follows the Leveson principles. The ones which apply to Press Regulation and not to good and evil, as it happens”
“I mean, look, honestly, all you need is a standards code, an arbitration service, upfront apologies, a complaints procedure, some fines and a pot of doubloons to fund investigations and evil just goes “poof” in a puff of smoke. So what’s the problemmo?”
“Me and my evil hoardes, including Davros, the Daleks, the Cybermen, all Zombies in the netherworld, those nasty Wicked Witch Monkeys from the Wizard of Oz and everyone in Oxfordshire, have accepted the Royal Charter For Eradicating Evil (Not) With Snail’s Teeth Bill 2013 and we have a workable system ready to go in support of our own manipulative, vile, sclerotic, putrid, fetid ends. It will deliver public confidence and justice. Oh yes, I’m a Dutchman and my fingers are crossed and my teeth are gritted.”
“So today I am announcing four things: I propose to publish again the Royal Charter; I will use the Crime and Courts Bill to table minimum legislative clauses to prevent minor evils and; I will urge all members to support this approach and I will pass a law that all dentists must remove the teeth of all snails in their empires.”
“Those who want or prefer a full legislative approach can now boil their bottoms. If they don’t want to adopt my approach they can boil each other’s bottoms too.”
“A full legislative system to make evil a punishable offence is wrong. Rubicon, rubicon, rubicon. My route is the fastest way and I urge you to support the Snail With No Teeth Royal Charter 2013 which I shall being forth in due course”.