Disclaimer: What follows is a joke. A laughable, pathetic joke. There are no facts in this post. It is a joke post about a sad joke. As far as is possible, it’s all hypothetical, waffle and conjecture. This post is a continuation of the “We have found a witch” post back in 2012. Now read on……..
So, the famous Toad of Toad Hall today announced (hem hem, see later) that he is now NOT going to thrash all the villagers who had badmouthed him back in November 2012.
But one strumpet, who had been especially mean towards him on 4th November, one Betty Sheet, wife of the Count of Blackrode, would still be thrashed soundly and placed in the stocks until she bled from her eyes.
She had viciously tweeted “Why is Toady trending? *smileyface*” which as you will agree, dear Reader, was a crime of the vilest maliciousness, directly asserting that Toad von Hallus Toadus (for it was indeed he) had committed the most evil of unspeakable crimes.
A million other villagers had said much worse than Betty Sheet on Twitter. But Toad was far too lazy to address them all. Instead, he invited them to surrender themselves for a beating using the ritual Confessional Form first used by Ethelred the Geezer in 800 AD to flush out evil villagers from his midst. And some had done so. They purged themselves of their most shaming acts.
After some time it went quiet and Toad got bored, for you see, dear Reader, it transpires that he was not only lazy, but impatient, accursed of the most foul and wretched restlessness.
Toad’s wealth and stature, combined with his boredom and impatience created a most poisonous of cocktails. And garnished with the umbrella of self-importance, a twist of repressed anger from a prior vile accusation and injustice, and the poop of pomposity, its effect would indeed be felt deeply both far and wide. ‘Twas a potent mix.
So he instructed his vile henchman, The Pointynosed Twitterercatcher of Mayfair, to abandon hunting out the hordes and instead to hunt down just Betty von Sheet and give her a right good what for.
He issued, using the most offline of covert and slimy methods, an amnesty for the scumvillagers. He called this a “public” announcement, though it was far from that. It was instead by way of secret “PR” briefings. Of 40 Google citations after the event, all of them were from these secret briefings – not one of them from http://www.ToadManor.com or MrToadHimself.com directly, or from @ToadofToadHallHimself or from the vile The Twitterercatcher of Mayfair through any of their online channels.
In other words, it was NOT a public announcement.
He chose NOT to use any online or public mechanism for his announcement about this most online of abuses.
At the same time as “announcing” this amnesty, Toady announced he was “determined to thrash and beat the living abdabs out of” Betty O’Sheet at some point in the future. Probably. Maybe.
So, as we write, she lies serenely in her tower, shrouded in her sheet, gazing wistfully out of the window and awaiting her fate. [This link shows a woman entirely unconnected with this story as illustration].
The Pointynosed Twitterercatcher of Mayfair knows her address and will thump on the door any day.
Toady sits on his throne in Toad Hall with his head in the sand, jabbing his quillpen in the sky, dribbling a little, screaming for someone to explain “the madness of the Twittersphere” and “online” to him, screaming for someone to explain human nature to him, and pointing to where he wants The Pointynosed Twitterercatcher of Mayfair to scurry and barking out his instructions of torture at the precise moments he wants The Pointynosed Twitterercatcher of Mayfair to strike.
It’s a story of its time.
It’s a real shame that its time was at least 300 years ago.