Cast:
A wise sage from the Crown Prosecution Service played by Alison Levitt QC. A wise judge, the only person in the land who’s judgements can be trusted, played by Simon Cowell. Rebekah Brooks as The Witch. Annoyed villagers: Hugh Grant, Steve Coogan, Paul O’Grady, Elle Macpherson, Leslie Ash, John Terry, Simon Hughes, David Beckham, Gordon Brown, Joan Hammell, Gordon Taylor, Carole Caplin, Sienna Miller, Kelly Hoppen, Tessa Jowell, David Mills, Andy Gray, Sky Andrew, John Prescott, Nicola Phillips.
Scene:
Late morning. Quite muddy. An Oxfordshire Village, monks and MPs riding horses and observing ritual prayers. Alison Levitt (stage left) experiments with a small white dove carrying a coconut. Agitated, shouting, excited villagers appear stage right.
VILLAGERS (shouting, crazed, frenetic):
A witch! A witch! A witch! We’ve found a witch! A witch! We’ve got a witch! A witch! We’ve found a witch! A witch!
STEVE COOGAN (to Alison Levitt QC):
We have found a witch, may we burn her?
VILLAGERS:
Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn!
ALISON LEVITT QC (calmly):
How do you know she is a witch?
KELLY HOPPEN:
She looks like one.
VILLAGERS:
Yeh! Burn her! Burn!
ALISON LEVITT QC:
Bring her forward, and her husband, and chauffeur, and masseuse and maid and horse.
REBEKAH BROOKS:
I’m not a witch, I’m not a witch.
ALISON LEVITT QC:
But you are dressed as one.
REBEKAH BROOKS:
They dressed me up like this.
VILLAGERS:
No, we didn’t. No, no.
REBEKAH BROOKS:
And this isn’t my nose, it’s a false one.
ALISON LEVITT QC (to Villagers):
Well?
STEVE COOGAN:
Well, we did do the nose.
ALISON LEVITT QC:
The nose?
STEVE COOGAN:
And the hat. But she is a witch!
VILLAGERS (Now, a bit more baying than before):
Burn her! Witch! Witch! Burn her!
ALISON LEVITT QC:
Did you dress her up like this?
VILLAGERS:
No! No. No… yes. Yes, a bit, a bit. She has got a wart (points).
ALISON LEVITT QC:
What makes you think she is a witch?
HUGH GRANT:
Well, she turned me into a newt.
ALISON LEVITT QC (surprised):
A newt?
(long pause as Grant realises he is not actually a newt)
HUGH GRANT:
I got better.
DAVID BECKHAM (ferociously):
Burn her anyway!
VILLAGERS:
Burn! Burn her!
ALISON LEVITT QC (quietly, in manner of a Primary School teacher):
Quiet, quiet. Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
VILLAGERS:
Are there? What are they? Do they involve proper use of the legal system? Do they hurt?
ALISON LEVITT QC:
Tell me, what do you do with witches?
VILLAGERS (with wild rage):
Burn, burn, burn them up! Buuuuurn!
ALISON LEVITT QC:
And what do you burn apart from witches?
STEVE COOGAN (a little over enthusiastically):
More witches!
LESLIE ASH:
Wood!
ALISON LEVITT QC:
Good. So, why do witches burn?
[Villagers pauses to muse]
TESSA JOWELL (a bright QC):
Because … they’re made of wood?
ALISON LEVITT QC:
Good!
VILLAGERS:
Oh yeah. (Mutters as realisation sinks in)
ALISON LEVITT QC (slowly):
So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
STEVE COOGAN (excitedly):
Build a bridge out of her.
ALISON LEVITT QC:
Ah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?
STEVE COOGAN (disappointed):
Oh, yeah.
ALISON LEVITT QC:
Does wood sink in water?
STEVE COOGAN (wisely):
No, no.
VILLAGERS:
It floats! It floats!
STEVE COOGAN:
Throw her into the pond!
VILLAGERS:
The pond!
ALISON LEVITT QC (urging the crowd to pause and reflect):
What also floats in water?
STEVE COOGAN (rashly):
Bread!
KELLY HOPPEN:
Apples!
PAUL O’GRADY:
Er, very small rocks!
ELLE MACPHERSON (intelligently):
Cider!
LESLIE ASH (with conviction):
Gravy!
STEVE COOGAN (having a second wild guess):
Cherries!
CAROLE CAPLIN (with certainty):
Mud!
SIENNA MILLER (passionately):
Churches! Churches!
JOHN TERRY (a footballer)
Lead! Lead!
SIMON COWELL (Off camera, watching from nearby):
A duck.
[stunned silence, pause and "Ahs" from the villagers)]
ALISON LEVITT QC:
Exactly! So, logically…if she weighs the same as a duck, she’s made of wood?
…and therefore?
VILLAGERS:
A witch! A witch!
[Rigged witch-weighing takes place and shows the witch to be a witch]
REBEKAH BROOKS (with a “predictable, but reassuring that justice has run its course” expression):
It’s a fair cop.
EXEUNT
